Friday, October 12, 2007

Is it possible that I'm a rapist?

I was over at and she was talking about the times she had been molested or raped or taken advantage of. She did a good job of illustrating how a girl could be ashamed of what she'd done and not realize a crime had been committed. She also told how she blamed herself.

This brings me back to a New Year's eve party. I was home on leave from the Army for the first time. I was 19 and was pretty sure I was invincible. I had been dating a girl on and off for awhile. Her name was Sarah. She really meant the world to me. I can't tell you if we were, or weren't dating at the time, It was a confusing relationship to me. Later in life I've realized I was way more into her than she was me. I even told her I'd compare every girl I was with after her, to her. It's still, in some ways very true. Unfortunately now, She's a lesbian, and I'm just an afterthought to her.

Sarah and I weren't able to meet up that New Year's and I was upset. I went to a small house party a few of my friends were throwing. I ended up getting extremely drunk along with one of Sarah's friends. She and I went upstairs to an unoccupied bedroom and had sloppy drunk sex.

I got a phone call about two weeks later when I was back in San Antonio, Asking me what the hell was wrong with me, and why I'd ever sleep with her friend. Apparently her friend was still a virgin and still in high school so it was kind of a big deal. When The rumors started to fly about us, She started telling people she got drunk and passed out and when she woke up she was naked and I was on top of her. She was telling people I had basically raped her while she was passed out. No police reports were ever filed and no charges were ever brought against me. I felt shitty for treating Sarah that way but was pissed about being labeled a rapist.

I was always 100 percent sure that we had consensual sex. We were both wasted and no one at the party remembers me having to coerce anyone, especially her, (she wasn't all that attractive) into having sex with me. Not to sound cocky but I was an attractive guy, I could have done much better.

Now, after reading collegcallgirl's blog I wonder if I really did rape her. I'm still 95% sure it was consensual but that 5% worries me. Hopefully it was just a situation where she was a virgin just trying to save face. What if it wasn't? We were both incredibly drunk. Is it not rape if I can't understand that she's saying no. Is it rape if I'm too drunk to realize she's passed out while we were making out, and I continue anyway. People are prosecuted for murder if they're drunk. I just worry about whether this is something that may actually haunt this girl. What if I'm the guy she has nightmares about because I really did rape her? Is it possible that I'm really a rapist?


collegecallgirl said...

The fact that you're asking the questions is good. It means you're thinking about your areas of responsibility as a man. I would talk to her if you can. It's possible that she felt guilty about the consensual sex she had with you and told herself and others she was raped in order to feel better. It's also possible that you were drunk and your perception of the incident is skewed. That's why I always wonder why people say "She wouldn't have gotten raped if she hadn't had that drink" but never "He wouldn't have raped her if he hadn't had one too many." It sounds like your intent wasn't there to cause harm. I wish you luck as you explore these issues.

Anonymous said...

All I can think to say is, thanks for trying to find this out... If she really does feel you raped her, then it may be better to not talk to her in person. Try sending her a message of some kind saying your sorry first, if it's true how she feels. Than try to explain?

PS: "Less attractive" people are raped all the time, so that you think she wasnt and you are really has no bearing... plus it would hurt her feelings more if you said that.

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