Monday, October 15, 2007

My crazy ass mother

I've really debated whether or not I wanted to post this. It may be too personal. Since none of my family reads my blog I figure it's pretty safe. I've also learned a long time ago not to be ashamed of who I am or where I came from. Don't hold me accountable for any mistakes or confusion. She rambles on alot. I think she might have some schitzo tendencies.



Dearest Rob Rob the party slob
I finally was able to to find your e-mail amongst all the spam.I'm very happy to hear from
from you. Of course Tony and Grandma sent the pictures to my sister. And I did receive the
the pictures of you and your girlfriend with the baby. I've surrounded my bedroom with them and sleep very peacefully with them all around me.As far as any diseases are concerned
Dickie just has a very weak heart. When I last spoke with him I asked if he could possibly make it to see you before you went into the army. I had no idea if I would ever see you again
if you were ever shipped overseas. It was then that he told me that he was too weak to make the trip.I was so releived to know the you were working at Walter Reed in the States and am very happy to know you've been able to to find a job in your profession.
As far as your Mother tracking him down, I too would like to know where he is. His own sister doesn't seem to be in touch with him as often.I really would like to see him once more
before he dies. I have always loved him and I always will. And as far as him not ever meeting
you...He and his adoptive Mother were right there in the waiting room the day you were born.
He helped me raise Tony until he was three and you were very much a part of both of our lives for your first year. If you'll remember, I was furious when the first place Tony wanted to bring you was to Anna's house. The fact is that you may have very well been David Eugene's
son;Davey's natural father. We never spoke of it ever before and Ben was Davey's great Uncle. He never knew about you.Your ultrasound determined that you were conceived within the 24 hrs that Jabo was there and Dickie coming home that morning. Yes..I know that our being together was wrong but, he and Anna fought so much. Initially he wanted to marry me
but, decided on Anna. When Anna learned about that one night she always swore you were
his natural child. He called me from the boat off shore and wanted very much for us to just take Davey, Tony and Me as I carried you to Italy where we would have been safe until he could divorce her but, the three of us decided that though there was only one chance that you were his there was no need to break up their marriage. Sometimes I wash I had listened to Jabo then..because if it hadn't been for Dickie being there she really would have been glad to help make me miscarry you. And beleive me...one way or another it seemed that she was determined to take you away from me. Dickie saved our lives and his Mother Camile swore you were Dickie's. And I must admit you looked very much like Christopher; Dickie's son from his first marriage. You see son, I was very glad to hear you had the HLA done on Warren. I would very much like to settle the family fued for once and for all. Dickie's sister Dianne adopted Christopher and raised him with her own. She finally gave Christopher back to his natural mother and she's finally remarried. However Christopher is currently incarcerated somewhere in Florida. I just wanted to find them so that when you match
it will settle things once and for all. I may be wrong...and it may be easier to ask Davey
but, this can't be done with her knowledge. And if I am wrong and your not Dickie's I'll never hear the end of it. If I had to spend any money on the test in case of a life threatening situation, I would prefer to spend it beleiving you were Dickie's. I've been spending alot of time thinking about about this. I don't know how willing you are to find out..but, I'm tired of
looking in Jabo's neices eyes and seeing a likeness there too. Dickie had almost a neon green hazel eyes that you could see clear across a football feild.And of course Jeff, Jabo's brother just had to bring up the fact that the Steelman's can make green eyed baby's too. But, that was Jeff and as much as I loved Jeff and his brother...Jabo's eyes were blue. So whether or not you're willing to find out I want you to know that my losing you had alot to do with a vendetto between she and I. But, Jabo left her and had Davey with him. Both Tony and Davey slept in the same crib that night. And he may have stayed if Dickey hadn't returned when he did. But, he did. And the kind of passionate love we had for one another at the time cannot be ignored.Jabo should have chosen to marry me from the beginning. He was given a second chance. Somehow though after Dickie had been away at his sister in
law's house for the past week he suddenly apeared out of nowhere. And quite frankly when I really think about it...I have to admit there's a resemblence to him and the Carraras boys.
If you don't know who they are, I'll tell you now. Claudia's first husband was a man named
Fred. Everyone knew him as Fico. But, Claudia fell in love with Manual. Mr Fico was Anna's natural father with Claudia...I know there's not enough time to go over all the details but,
apparently she legally adopted two other children from her sister Marijo because she didn't think she could have any children of her own. Well, to get to the point, Mr Fico remarried
Anna's stepmother Janet. She didn't legally adopt the children because Claudia never gave up her right to them but, never the less Fico and Janet had two boys of their own. Those boys looked very much like Dickie and Camile did say that that she adopted him from a
two people who were very much in love, very good looking woman but, apparently the other
was not available at the time. And though Mr Fico's mother swore I looked like Mr. Fico's
child she swore I wasn't. It really never bothered me before but the resemblences between Dickey and Janet's kids are uncanny. It's just a hunch...but, there is a way to be sure now.
There wasn't then. And as for Tony...I think I amy have already been pregnant before that black man got ahold of me; too. Yeah baby..I've had alot of time to think about what you did
to be sure that baby was yours. and I may not be able to afford the final test when it comes to me. But there sure was alot of baby swaping going on between Esperanza Lopez's three boys. And quite frankly I wouldn't be surprised to find that the two people you think of as your grandparents; aren't. I was emmancipated when I was 15 yrs. old. So...they're only family by proxy technically; that is if they want to be. But, you are indeed my natural child as well as Tony. And all this natural law may cause some feelings to be hurt. So, please be ever so polite to consider their feelings first before you discuss this if ever you discuss this with anyone but the two of us. I quite frankly couldn't stand for anyone to stand between
the fragile relationship we're able to develope now. And Robert..you probably will always be the baby. But, just in case I should ever have the opportunity to marry...it may be my only saving grace left besides my talent. The virus is absolutely undetectable now and I could stop the medication if I have to but, then there's always a chance for a relapse if I don't complete the program. I was able to develope an immunity to the B series now the C series
is at it's final stage. My right hip is irrepairable but, I can walk. I'm weak but, I'm intelligent.
If I can find a job worth risking another fall for..I'll do it. But, I do know that I can slip fall too easily in the snow. And as much as I want to be a part of your life heading any further north
doesn't seem like a good idea. I finally contacted the Mayor of Nashville to be sure that, though their non-emergency staff say they can't find the case file of the shooting incidence
in the '80's, I asked them be sure that there was nothing further that they need from me.
As far as any counciling I've sought here...one opinion was that if I ever had any disorder
I'm in remission now. And the other thinks I just need speach therapy for my southern drawl.
But, other wise....if I have to have a competancy hearing I can probably dispute the case well enough. The third report from Mississippi hasn't arrived and we both know that in scientific method two out of three will be the final decision. So, I'm not too worried about
about sticking around long enough for the mayor to find the case file..and wherever I can find
a job in my profession I would probably relocate to. But, I still don't have a car. And quite frankly wish you'd come pick me up and only if you care or you don't care about settleing the family fued..I'll understand either way. I'm pretty sure the coast is clear now. All I can do here is find a job making less than 1600.00 a month in the snow using the job access program in this county till Jessica graduates. Until then...all I need is the clearance letter from Vanderbilt once I've completed the interfuron. and I'll only get that 6 months after my last injection.All the radiactive residue has to be gone. But, then..I would very much like to hold that grandbaby of mine. I will not want to miss one more minute of my life without you in it after that.Till then...I'm snug as a bug in a rug. Love you, Mama Vicki

I'll try to clarify the best I can first, Tony is My biological half brother who is black but no one in the family will admit it. Dickie is the man most of my family thinks is my biological father. Christopher (the one in jail) would be my half brother also if dickie is my father. Jabo was my aunt anna's husband who my mother believes could also be my father. Yeah I know it's strange my uncle could also be my Dad. As for the rest of it, it's just rambling that I don't think I'll ever understand. No one really ever knows if she has hepatitis, and no one recieves interfuron for it anyway. You just can't trust anything that comes from her mouth.

V over at Violent Acres seems to think she had a shitty childhood, try having this crazy bitch for a mother Add a little drug and alchohol abuse and I think I win the shittiest mom award cause you know it's a competition right?

I don't want anyone coming away with the idea that I'm having some kind of pity party. I just want people to get a better idea of where I'm coming from. I want people to understand why I strugle with empathy. I have a family with a history of drug and alchohol abuse and mental illness but it's never stopped me from making the right choice for me. Yeah I've had my own history of substance abuse but about three months before my son was born I had a choice to continue being a worthless drunk or to try and be a good father who wouldn't have my kid taken away by the state. In one day I decided to stop drinking. So I don't feel sorry for people who ruin their lives with drugs and alchohol.

14 comments:

The Charming Hedonist said...

There were so many names, I thought I was reading Genesis. I'm glad to know my family isn't the only one who has issues!

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