A hypochondriacs wet dream

This little nugget of info might be useful for those in our community that seem to get off on being sick or being in the hospital.

It's not uncommon to see elevated protein in the urine of patients from the ER. It's most commonly associated with some form of kidney impairment or severe dehydration. Usually if the protein from a dipstick on a urinalysis is elevated, it's prudent to do a few more tests. Obviously elevated urine protein isn't an indicator of acute renal failure by itself but it is a clue. that requires further investigation.

The reason I bring it up is that we had a gentleman in his early thirties come into the ER today, the only real issue he had was this elevated urine protein. His urine was a pretty cloudy considering there were no cells, things just didn't quite add up. While doing the microscopic evaluation, I found an ass-ton (that's alot) of sperm. What I don't get was that it came down to us in a tube that is generally used to collect urine from a catheter. If it had been a normal cup I would have said he just masturbated into the cup right before he peed. Since it was a cath tube I guess he had to masturbate while the catheter was in him. I can't imagine that being comfortable. Who does that?

So in conclusion, if you have the desire to stay in the ER just a little longer and get a bigger work-up because you're a piece of shit drain on our healthcare system, then just jack off in your urinalysis cup. It will elevate you're protein falsely and you'll get a few more hours with our lovely ER nurses. Especially if, as usual, our docs are overworked and have huge patient loads preventing them from immediately ordering you're follow up testing. You may even get a free hot meal! hooray for perverts abusing the system.