Friday, May 25, 2007

basic training

I think this story is a pretty good synopsis of my life. I've gone through phases where I honestly thought the rules just don't apply to me and that I can talk my way out of anything. I found out in the army that this just isn't true. I convinced my girl friend at the time (who is now a lesbian).
SIDE NOTE I promise I'll go into that wacky relationship later.
to send me some brownies and a fifth of jack, how, may you ask, did I get these things in basic training. Well, my girlfriend at the time was a little smarter than I gave her credit for. She bought a huge box of cheap ass laundry detergent and opened the bottom of it, took out about a fourth of the detergent and put the bottle and brownies in. she then hot glued the bottom back in place and turned the box back right side up. Upon inspection it just looks like a normal box of detergent. Of course my drill sgt did inspect it and and found nothing. He questioned who the fuck would send me such a package. I just played it off as a joke. He bought it I was home free, right?... Wrong. Just like in most things in my life I forgot the little details, like remembering to lock my wall locker. A favorite past time of drill sgt's is pull on the locks of everyone's wall locker and make sure they're secure. A few of us thought we were smart and could save some time by making our locks look locked but all we had to do was pull down on the lock. (believe me every second of sleep helps). Anyway, of course my wall locker was unlocked, which was an invitaion to take everything in my wall locker and throw it about in a reckless way. When he did this he had a ball with the big ass box of detergent. When all of a sudden I hear a loud crash. Immediatly I know exactly what has happened, my poor bottle of jack is all over the floor in the bay. I'm not terribly excited. Needles to say my the rest of my night isn't a cake walk. The next day is our end of cycle testing. Which is a bunch of crap, we also get ot write a letter to our drill sgt highlighting the positive and negative points of the last 3 weeks. Again I decided to act without thinking. The gist of what my letter says is that yeah I got the shit smoked out of me but those few sips of the tasty beverage that is jack daniels was well worth it. Now let me remind you that there are suppossed to be no consequences for anything we write. Not so for me. It's taken me a long time to figure out that technicalites don't mean shit in the real world. I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with m.o.p level 4 but basically it's a charcoal chemical suit with a chemical mask and akward rubber boots and gloves. Anyway during the entire testing I had to be in mop level 4, it's hot as shit and not too easy to breath through that chemical mask. Anytime we were standing in line idle I had to be doing up downs, if you've played football you know what kind of hell that is in just pads and a helmet, imagine a charcoal suit. It wasn't fun, but as I look back on it, I have to say those few moments of bliss that I got from that bottle of jack daniels was well worth it. The funny this is after it was all said and done my favorite drill sgt. said it was the funniest shit he'd ever seen and that I was gonna be alright, and probably a lifer. He was wrong about that last part, although I do miss the army and wish I never got out... well rather kicked out for being an alchoholic. That's another story you'll read soon enough. Seriously who gets kicked out of the army for being an alchoholic every one is an alchoholic. Oh well, live and learn

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