Thursday, July 19, 2007

He stuck what; Where?

It took a long time to decide if I was going to post anything about this next event. It's kind of sad why this kid does what he does, but after a long hard deliberation, I've decided that the comic value far outweighs anything else.

I don't get to enjoy all the really good stories that the E.R. has to offer, but once in awhile I get a good one. About a week ago I was processing a specimen who happened to have the diagnosis written on the label it read as follows;

"FB in penis"

"What the hell?"

It turns out that FB in penis means foreign body in penis. When you're in the lab you don't actually get to see patients and you don't really ever know what's going on with them all you can do is guess based on test results and diagnoses. As you can guess my mind went crazy trying to think of what the hell this person could have stuck inside his penis.

My first thought was well, maybe it's just a little kid who doesn't no any better. Nope!. My second guess, well maybe it's a perverted old man who got a little too into his self love fest. Nope!. It turns out it was a fifteen year old kid. Definitely old enough to know better and I would think young enough to not have developed those kind of perversions. I guess I was wrong.

We had a surgery tech come in the lab some time later in the day and filled us in. Obviously, our first question was what the hell was it. It was the little plastic button on his patient ID bracelet. What the hell? I asked what he was originally in here for and it was the same thing. He shoved a plastic thermometer cover inside his penis. I don't even think I want to imagine how painful that was or why the hell he'd ever do it a second time.

The O.R. tech stayed around for a little longer and gave us a few more details. She told us that he's actually a pretty regular customer. He's in about once a month for the same thing. I also learned that it isn't all that uncommon. The O.R. gets about five "foreign body removals" a month. Is it just me or does that seem a little high?
I guess all I can say is thank you, perverted freaks, for helping to keep me employed

The sad part of it all is that evidently this kid had been abused, it's unclear whether it was sexually or not, from the time he was about five. I have no doubt that he's experienced a lot of suffering in his life, but guess what kid? not all of us decided to stick crap up their penis to cope. Seriously. I know life sucks, but you're not the only one with problems. At some point in time in your life you're gonna need to learn that who you are and what you do is ultimately you're decision no matter how much you've dealt with as a child. Hey, I should be a counselor... I'm totally headed back to school for psychology, I've obviously missed my calling

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