I want to be your hero

I pretty much have the worst hero complex in history. If you don't know what that is, it's basically wishing harm on others so that you have an opportunity to be a "hero". yeah it's fucked up, I know. I don't know how to explain it and I really don't know where it stems from

I was in Iraq and I thought surely I'd have an opportunity to fulfill these messed up fantasies, but no. I was stationed at a hospital as a lab tech. Absolutely no opportunity to be a hero. I did my part though, I went on medevacs as the medic just to have an opportunity to be a hero. Mind you I was grossly under-qualified to be doing this. It didn't matter to me though, I didn't care if someone would be hurt because I wasn't up to par on my life saving skills. After-all all the command really cared about was having a warm body there to say they sent someone in the unfortunate case one of my fellow soldiers would die. I did my fair share of breaking ribs during CPR, but I can't say I was responsible for actually saving anyone's life.

I don't want people to think I'm too twisted, I don't ever wish harm upon the people I love for these opportunites, but I do sometimes wish I could pass a horrific car accident and save everyone involved. I want to drag people out of a burning car or building. I want to be in the newspaper with a big headline. I want everyone to say how brave and wonderful I am. I want everyone to shower praise on me. No way I'm being an anonymous hero. What's the point in having a hero complex if people don't know how great you were.

before people get all judgmental about it, don't pretend you haven't had some delusions of grandeur. Don't pretend you haven't said I want to be famous and loved by everyone. you know you have. The only difference is you want to be famous for acting or singing or for most people with blogs, writing and I want to be famous for being a hero. An all american man who braved the dangers of every situation to ensure other people were safe. When I say it like that it doesn't sound so crazy. Maybe that's how I should it to my non-existant therapist.

I think this complex may be why I always stop to help stranded old ladies. It's the same reason I'm always looking to help people in any way I can. I guess that means it's not all bad, right? If I complex leads you to do something good for other people is it really a complex. I'm not mentally ill right?